After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man.

– Here’s another one. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. You’re smart.

The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues, before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out. Pharrell Williams Speech: Don’t Be Invisible. Pages: First |1 | ... | → | Last | View Full Transcript. Conan O’Brien’s Dartmouth Commencement Speech 2011 (Full Transcript), The Hidden Power of NOT (Always) Fitting In: Marianne Cantwell (Transcript), Frederick Douglass: The Hypocrisy of American Slavery, 1852 (Transcript), Can I Have Your Brain? Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don’t even think you deserve a real podium. Don’t let those bastards do it. Literally. It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova Scotia. Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat. Of course I’m speaking generally. And that’s okay. Thank you very much, and congratulations.”, Justin Trudeau Speech: We’re All the Same, Trevor Noah Speech: The Power of Information. Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it “The Conan Doctrine.” Under “The Conan Doctrine”: – All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master’s degrees.

And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma.

Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. (Watch it above.) Nietzsche famously said “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.

Anybody. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly, who gives a shit.

So late last night, I began. Anybody? – First, adult acne lasts longer than you think. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times. This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty. Deal with it.

And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation. Deal with it.

Below is the full text of the speech by Conan O’Brien. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963. But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said “Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States.” Thank you and good luck. With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River.

Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest.

In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn’t.

He is best known for hosting several late-night talk shows. If I had gone to Dartmouth, I’d have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair. Conan Christopher O’Brien is an American television host, comedian, writer, and producer. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention. Seriously. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. But don’t get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously. Please suggest your favorite videos and audios for transcription. But that is not true. I’m sorry. He is best known for hosting several late-night talk shows. When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. Yes, I’ve always had a special bond with this school. No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you. At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.” Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more. – If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried.

It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined.

It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy. The only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece. Yes, you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there. My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair.

That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I have the cash.

Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!

All master’s degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. Imagine how awesome that would be. Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. To his friends, he’s Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, “Stinky Pete.”. Well, it’s simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8% of the workforce. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months.

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